A little bit of light
by PiperNickson
Summary: I was having a meandering - what I call it when I let my thoughts roam - and this was the results; A little piece of lovey dovey mush between Kaidan Alenko and Female Shepard (Abigail Shepard if you have been following the fanfiction involving these two). Feel free to comment, and enjoy


Abigail Shepard had long ago stopped reading the datapad she was staring at. She barely even registered the blinking text detailing the latest death tolls from around the galaxy. She felt incredibly numb, desensitised to it all; thinking of nothing in particular except breathing.

The crew quarters were abandoned, which was why she had crept inside, hoping to find solitude in the darkness. Some reprieve from everyone's expectant gaze upon her back. The only light in the room came from the small table lamp in front of her, casting long shadows on the walls that moved and shifted with the ship. There were no viewing windows in here; nothing to let her see the blackness of space outside.

She dropped the pad with a clatter to the table, the sudden movement stirring her blood within her, rousing the despair that was lurking there, waiting for her like some great dark beast. Drawing her left leg up she pressed her foot on the edge of the seat for balance, leaning her head on her knee as she began to let the thoughts in. The doubts; like whispers circled overhead cawing and teasing like vultures on a dying animal stranded in the desert.

There were so many dead already. She had known from the start that the Reapers would be brutally thorough, but nothing could have prepared anyone for this.

She crushed her eyes closed, pressing her forehead into her knee as she allowed herself a moment of sorrow. That was when she heard the door open; the sound as loud as a gunshot in the silence of the room made her jump involuntarily, her leg dropping to the floor once more as she looked to the newcomer.

Kaidan stood in the threshold, dressed down in combats and a plain white tshirt; the Alliance logo stitched over the left breast. He paused, his hand on the doorframe, and cleared his throat awkwardly.

She looked to him, wondering what he was thinking when he saw her sitting there. His Commander, dressed in navy jogging bottoms and a grey racer-back top; her hair dishevelled, pulled halfway into a ponytail, loose strands framing her face. She must look a mess, a real saviour of the galaxy for sure; whatever.

"Hey," He said, and it hung in the air like a bridge between them before he smiled and added "There you are."

She wanted to answer him but her throat was so dry and tight she found she couldn't get any words out and so instead shook her head, disgusted with herself as her eyes welled with tears so fast and furious that they ran unbidden down her cheeks before she could turn her face away from him.

"Hey," He said again, but this time the tone was different, sympathetic, pitying and he moved into the room, the doors sliding closed behind him with a hiss.

She wanted to pull away from him, this was the last thing she wanted Kaidan to see, but she had no strength left to hide away. Her last point of refuge stood exposed and she had no defences left to keep him out. He pulled a chair up beside her, sitting at an angle so she was wedged between his thighs and he waited. It was one of the things she loved about Kaidan, his patience - he would wait forever robably for her to turn to him; but he would never force his affection on her in any way.

There was a tension there, hanging in the air like a vacuum. She was hovering somewhere between wanting him to reach out and hold her and wanting him to leave all at once.

Carefully, slowly, he touched her shoulder, sweeping her ponytail down over her back once more. He wouldn't meet her eyes, why would he? She had failed them all.

"It wasn't your fault, Abby." He said at last, and when she looked at him he was looking off into the distance; she wondered briefly what he was thinking, what went on in that silent head of his. "Thessia would have fallen regardless."

She recoiled a little; the words were softly spoken, tender, with no hint that he believed anything  
less than what he was telling her and that made it hurt all the more.

"That's not true." She whispered; the words rattling past the lump in her throat as she shook her head for emphasis "I could have stopped it. I could have done something."

He didn't answer her; maybe he didn't know what to say. Instead he pulled on her hand gently, curling her into the bulk of his arms protectively. She pressed her face against his shirt breathing in spicy cologne and lemon fabric conditioner. She couldn't close her eyes, every time she did the faces of the dead found her, the entire Asari race now teetered on the brink of annihilation and it was all her fault. She gripped his arm, feeling the strength within him, wishing she could borrow it from him if only for a while.

"Abigail," He said and she held her breath; every time he said her name it felt like a shooting star had exploded across the sky, even now when she was at her very bottom he still had the ability to pull that feeling out of her: those fluttering butterflies that crept all the way to her throat "please don't blame yourself for this." He whispered gently, his breath was hot on the back of her neck "We need you here Abby." He paused, reaching a hand up to stroke the strands of hair that had come loose from her face as he pressed his lips to the top of her head "I need you."

It was little more than a breath but it sounded louder in her ears than her own heart thundering inside her chest.

She pulled back, meeting his gaze evenly, the first flush of heat on her face making her feel dizzy and lightheaded. He looked at her sheepishly, colour beginning to creep across the bridge of his nose and cheeks as he swallowed, apparently embarrassed that she had heard his last statement.

She brought her leg out from under her, sitting astride him, feeling him shift beneath her suddenly uncomfortable. She smoothed the neckline of his t-shirt, feeling the hot skin just beneath with her fingertips. He caught a breath, pressing his hands onto her hips as he met her eyes at last. She felt a pulse, like thunder without sound, the electricity of the moment hanging there in between them.

"I should probably go." He said with difficulty, "I don't want you to feel…" His voice trailed off, his dark eyes glittered in the dim light. She shook her head, stemming his words as she slid her fingers into his thick hair

"I want to feel… something." She whispered, his face blurring as her eyes filled with tears once more "Anything."

She pressed her lips on his, tears spilling over her lashes. He kissed her back with passion, his hand on the small of her back pulsing with heat.

"Shepard," He breathed against her mouth and she paused, waiting "I love you." He said it gently, bringing his mouth back to hers, chasing those shadows from her thoughts with every loving kiss.

Suddenly she was back in her cabin, back before Illos; the same hopelessness pervading her soul, pillaging her strength and suddenly Kaidan was there; shining and bright and so incredibly warm against the dark, cold of space.

He moved under her, balancing himself as he got to his feet, lifting her as he went. She locked her ankles at his back, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face in the nook between his neck and shoulder. He turned, shifting his weight, to lie her on the cabin bed behind them.

It was a single bunk and as he dipped to join her he caught the side of his head on the crossbar. With a yelp he pressed a hand to his head, rubbing the offending area before they both broke into nervous laughter. She gripped his t-shirt, bringing him down on top of her, loving the way he pressed her into the mattress; the way he surrounded her completely.

"Wait," He smiled, kissing her deeply, pulling on her hip so she turned, pressing her back to the wall as they lay side by side, front to front on the single bunk.

He swept her dark hair back, her ponytail almost completely loose now, looking incredibly nervous suddenly. He took a shuddering breath, tracing her cheekbone with his thumb as he licked his lips.

"I want you to marry me Shepard." He said suddenly, it came out in a rush, so fast that she had to pause a moment to really register what he had said. She blinked, raising her head from the bed as she regarded him carefully, wondering if he was being serious.

"Kaidan…" She said but he was giving her no chance this time.

"I know." He said quietly "I know there is a war on, and now is probably the worst time – but I don't want us to end up like Anderson and Kahlee Sanders; light-years apart and regretting what we never had." He broke into a nervous smile, his eyes bright "There is no one else for me Abby. I knew it the moment I saw you board the SR1. I want you to marry me, I want us to settle down after… have a house, have kids…" He swallowed, looking at her expectantly.

When she didn't answer his confidence faltered and he cleared his throat "Take your time." He said quietly "Let me know. It was kinda sudden, I guess."

She smiled kissing him again, her mind reeling over what he had just said. She crushed her eyes closed, her hand fluttering onto his shoulder as he pressed hungry kisses to her throat and collar bone.

"Alright." She squeaked, and he paused, raising his eyes to hers once more, his brow furrowing.

"Huh?"

"Alright." She breathed, nodding like an idiot "Marry me after the war, Kaidan."

He broke into a boyish grin, "You got it." He said, and kissed her again.


End file.
